The Animals: A Timeline

9 weeks of all the animals…

APRIL 4, 2020 – 7:18AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – I’m still waiting for Mellie (the dog’s) vaccines to kick in so we can leave our property and let her eat weeds from public property instead of just here.  For now, we wander our 10 x 10 front lawn like lost tourists, pretending we are meant to be here.  I have discovered a golf ball sized hole in our front tree.  I’m going to assume the tree just wanted to grow that way because I like to be positive. 

APRIL 6, 2020 – 3:13AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE- There are squirrels. So. So. Many. F’ing. Squirrels. And they are all living in my attic. Based on the noise level I can only assume they are having a rousing game of Pictionary.

APRIL 8, 2020 – 3:15PM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – Our shed smells bad and the top of our compost bin has been ripped off and flung across the lawn.  Is this how skunks and raccoons rave?  Yep.  That’s what I’m going to believe.

APRIL 9, 2020 – 8:20AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – HOLY CRAP! That’s a lot of dead bodies. It’s pretty clear our cat’s a sociopath based on how neatly she’s lined up all of her kills. To hell with it! I’m not up to dealing with this shit today. I’ll just use the carcasses as people repellent.

APRIL 10, 2020 – 11:23AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – Want to know what the worst sound in the world is? The sound of tiny, baby rabbits screaming for their mother when they are accidentally unearthed by an over zealous gardener. Oh. My. God. So begins an 11 hour vigil of waiting for “Mama Rabbit,” to come and move her babies.

APRIL 16, 2020 – 6:35AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – The tree hole is now the size of a bowling ball.  It has been placed at the opportune point to allow the tree to embrace one strong wind and rapidly fall into our house.  Remember that woodpecker you lovingly admired while it pecked at your tree a while back?  That asshole did this.

APRIL 19, 2020 – 8:55PM – QUITTER’S HOUSE- Our dog has zero sense of self-preservation. While most animals would back down when surprised with a large, less then friendly looking fox, Libby runs towards it dragging me in tow. Not cool Libby. Not cool.

APRIL 21, 2020 – 4:22PM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – Mellie is losing her mind about something in the yard.  I’m assuming it’s a robin as that’s what she yelled at endlessly yesterday. Nope.  It’s a skunk.  Yep, it just made its way under our shed.

APRIL 22, 2020 – 2:08AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – The squirrels in my attic seem to have formed a bowling league. I wish them well by banging on the wall and swearing loudly before going to sleep on my super uncomfortable couch.

APRIL 23, 2020 – 10AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – The wild life guy has come and gone, erecting a steel fence around the shed that will allow skunk to leave, but then never re-enter.  Landlords unite!

APRIL 23, 2020 – 10:30AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – We see skunk.  She is frantically attempting to dig back under the shed.  Should I produce an official eviction notice?  Maybe she forgot her wallet?  The wild life guy said skunks are pretty chill and will move along.  Why is our skunk so determined to be a squatter?

APRIL 23, 2020 – 3:40PM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – I have spoken to wild life guy.  It’s babies.  We have skunk babies. 

APRIL 24, 2020 – 5:45AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – Transcript of an actual email I sent to the exterminator – “DEAR SQUIRREL GUY, I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY IF YOU COME GET THESE LITTLE BUGGERS, I LOVE YOU.”

APRIL 24, 2020 – 10AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – We huddle around the front window watching our beloved tree be removed before the woodpecker can lay the final blow or the wind lays the final…um…blow.  I go out and collect wood chips after in memory. 

APRIL 24, 2020 – 3PM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – Skunk squatter has been permitted to re-enter.  We now await the first sign of babies.

APRIL 25, 2020 – 9:10AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – Just finished speaking with the exterminator. Apparently he gets these kinds of emails often and can come in the next few days. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried, a lot.

THE MONTH OF F’ING MAY – QUITTER’S HOUSE – May 2020 will forever be known as “Squirrel-mageddon,” in the Quitter household. After several visits from the exterminator and the same amount of money it would have cost to go to a lovely resort in Jamaica, we are squirrel free.

JUNE 4, 2020 – 3:13AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – A delightful smell of skunk butt wakes me and Mellie out of a dead sleep.  Mellie barks with annoyance.  6 weeks and still no sign of no damn baby.

JUNE 5, 2020 – 7:48AM – BOSSY’S HOUSE – Just going to quickly throw this dog poop in the garage garbage and…yep…that was a chipmunk who just ran in with me.

June 7, 2020 – 1:13AM – QUITTER’S HOUSE – Are those coyotes howling in our backyard? ARGGGGGHHHHH! I give up.



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