We’re just really leaning into the weird now…BOSSY: So. Am I the only one now eating four breakfasts a day? It leads to a 4pm lunch, 10pm dinner and then anger that I’m walking the dog in the dark when the “normal” people have ate at “normal” times get to walk in the sun and not dodge shadows for fear it’s rogue sidewalk poop. You can relate, right? Please tell me I’m not alone.
QUITTER: Yes and no. For me everything relates to the phrase “cheese break.” It’s now a thing. I use it to break up my work day and also as something I randomly shout to shut down conversations I don’t want to be having with my partner. Nothing distracts him like the word “cheese.” (It used to be “boobs,” but we’ve both matured so now it’s “cheese.”)
BOSSY: I worry you might be entering into overshare territory there. Don’t we have a code? I swear I signed a code. I’m also worried you’re going to bind yourself up with all that cheese. Also in our contract: can talk bowel movements, not sex life. Now, can I turn your attention back to the importance of the four breakfast day?
QUITTER: Code? Wtf? All codes are rendered null and void during pandemics. Also your four breakfast theory holds up. My first three consisted of Easter cream eggs and sausages.
BOSSY: So are you only leaning into the four breakfasts on holidays?! Because that’s not what the program was developed for, although I do applaud your cream egg choice. Have I ever told you the story about how I became so addicted to them one Easter that I would get off the bus mid-trip to hit a convenience store to get my fix only to make a normal 30 minute trip one and a half hours? I actually wear that time of my life with pride.
QUITTER: Your Easter Cream Egg obsession just makes me like you more. It shows you have your priorities in order. Four breakfasts is just a holiday thing for sure. Too much to commit to otherwise. I find sticking with a steady diet of Smartfood popcorn interspersed with things flavoured with Ranch keeps my internal PH balance at it’s optimum levels. Trust me, I know thins. I’ve seen an actor playing a doctor on TV.
BOSSY: I will not give up on my new obsession which is the quadrant breakfast. You will learn to commit, the way you mush have committed to some sort of medical learning if you know your internal PH level. How are you tracking that? Robots? Home scanners? General flesh squeezing? Wait, no. It’s peeing on a stick, isn’t? The old stick pee.
QUITTER: Roomba holding a pee stick of course. I like how impersonal it is.