What You Think and Your Puppy Thinks…

…on Her Very First Walk During A PandemicYou: I just ate onions. I should get gum.

Puppy: Man I can’t wait to keep eating that bush in the back corner.

You: OK brain. You have this. All roads chosen must have exists. If you end up on a dead end street, you are officially useless to me.

You: Puppy, sit before we cross.

Puppy: What is happening? Why are we here?

You: Ok Puppy. Let’s go.

Puppy: HOLY SHIT WE’RE CROSSING!!!

You: Let’s go this way. Lots of exists and spaces for darting away from society.

Puppy: HOLY SHIT. HAVE YOU SMELT THIS!? AND THIS!? AND THIS!?

You: Crap. Why did I get this gum? My jaw hurts and no one can smell my breath from 6 feet away. Or are they supposed to be 12 feet away?

Puppy: Why is that puppy so far away? We better chase him.

You: Shit, no. People. Abort. Dive left. Left!

Puppy: What is that thing in the ground with the holes that sounds like water? Don’t make me walk on it! I musn’t walk on it!!!

You: Crap. Is it walk against traffic or with traffic?

Puppy: I walk in front of you. Then behind you. Now I circle you. Now I go between your legs. Now I bite your ankles.

You: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s just your kids school. They’ll get back. It will all be good again. Hold it together.

Puppy: I couldn’t believe the smell of that stick either.

You: Puppy isn’t barking very much while walking. She’s usually so loud.

Puppy: Am I barking externally or internally?

You: I really like saying good morning but hate saying good evening. I need a new nighttime greeting that I can shout over.  Maybe “25 Feet, Motherfucking Dave!

Puppy: Why is she yelling externally?

You: Oh great. So that’s the bunny that keeps pooping on our lawn that the Puppy then eats and poops green for days.

Puppy: Wait till I tell Poppy next door about the bunny when I dig under the fence and yell in her face.

You: We’re home, Puppy. Want to go in?

Puppy: Hard yes.

You: I hate this part. Always nippy and crazy post being outside. I get bit and yelled at cause I can’t get the leash off fast enough.

You: OK Puppy. Go to your bed.

Puppy: I live here now.

You: Oh. You tired puppy?

Puppy: Go get my bed.

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