…on Her Very First Walk During A PandemicYou: I just ate onions. I should get gum.
Puppy: Man I can’t wait to keep eating that bush in the back corner.
You: OK brain. You have this. All roads chosen must have exists. If you end up on a dead end street, you are officially useless to me.
You: Puppy, sit before we cross.
Puppy: What is happening? Why are we here?
You: Ok Puppy. Let’s go.
Puppy: HOLY SHIT WE’RE CROSSING!!!
You: Let’s go this way. Lots of exists and spaces for darting away from society.
Puppy: HOLY SHIT. HAVE YOU SMELT THIS!? AND THIS!? AND THIS!?
You: Crap. Why did I get this gum? My jaw hurts and no one can smell my breath from 6 feet away. Or are they supposed to be 12 feet away?
Puppy: Why is that puppy so far away? We better chase him.
You: Shit, no. People. Abort. Dive left. Left!
Puppy: What is that thing in the ground with the holes that sounds like water? Don’t make me walk on it! I musn’t walk on it!!!
You: Crap. Is it walk against traffic or with traffic?
Puppy: I walk in front of you. Then behind you. Now I circle you. Now I go between your legs. Now I bite your ankles.
You: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s just your kids school. They’ll get back. It will all be good again. Hold it together.
Puppy: I couldn’t believe the smell of that stick either.
You: Puppy isn’t barking very much while walking. She’s usually so loud.
Puppy: Am I barking externally or internally?
You: I really like saying good morning but hate saying good evening. I need a new nighttime greeting that I can shout over. Maybe “25 Feet, Motherfucking Dave!”
Puppy: Why is she yelling externally?
You: Oh great. So that’s the bunny that keeps pooping on our lawn that the Puppy then eats and poops green for days.
Puppy: Wait till I tell Poppy next door about the bunny when I dig under the fence and yell in her face.
You: We’re home, Puppy. Want to go in?
Puppy: Hard yes.
You: I hate this part. Always nippy and crazy post being outside. I get bit and yelled at cause I can’t get the leash off fast enough.
You: OK Puppy. Go to your bed.
Puppy: I live here now.
You: Oh. You tired puppy?
Puppy: Go get my bed.