Apparently today is the most depressing day of the year. “Blue Monday,” it’s a thing. Googles it. And what better way to kick off a day devoted to sadness then by dredging up memories of my awkward teenage self.Dear High School Quitter,
S’up. If you’re reading this it means they’ve finally mastered that crazy ass mailbox that sends letters through time a la “Lake House.” (It’s a movie from the future that you won’t enjoy, but somehow keeps coming up in conversation for like years. For the love of god don’t watch it.)
Okay, enough chit-chat. Put down that god-awful Jonathan Livingston Seagull book and focus up because you’re gonna wanna pick up what I’m throwin’ down here.
Stop Listening to Shit Music
I beg of you. I think of all those years wasted listening to utter garbage like Lionel Richie, Cory Hart and NKOTB. Do you know how long that took to undo? Listen to me. Walk over to your older brother’s room right now and steal some of his Led Zeppelin and AC/DC cassettes. (But avoid Van Halen like the plague. Sure Dave’s a showman, but they don’t really get any good until Sammy Haggar takes over as lead vocalist.)
Put Your Glasses On
You’ve needed glasses since you were 11 and yet somehow you didn’t start regularly wearing them until you were 18. It’s a miracle you didn’t get hit by a skidoo. Smarten the hell up. Bedazzle them if you have to, just put them on.
Chill The “F” Out
Any child readers we have should probably look away because I’m going to drop a truth bomb here that will go against everything you’ve ever been told. Are you ready high school me? School’s not that important. Ya, you read that right. At least not as important as you seem to think it is. So pull that giant stick out of your butt and relax a little. It’s okay to have fun. People who didn’t get all A’s do just fine in life too.
Hang on to That Creepy Yoda Puppet
Remember that weird molded, plastic, Yoda hand puppet you bought at a garage sale just because you had a crush on the guy who was selling it? Hang on to it. That was original merch from the first of the Star Wars movies. It will be worth something one day and you’re gonna need the cheddar. Sure it might attract odd, hygiene challenged, geeky guys to you thinking you know things about Wookies and Storm Troopers, but if you don’t make eye contact with them you’ll be okay.
Put Down the Hairspray
Please. Bangs are not meant to be that tall. The fumes alone probably took a few points off your IQ. And while we’re at it, maybe pull back on the blush and frosted lip gloss. Just sayin’. The heavily tattooed, rowdy feminist that you turn into looks back at her high-school self and wonders what the “f,” she was thinking.