(From The Archives) What It Felt Like Living In 1999 On NYE – A Bossy History Lesson

These poor commuters had no idea the danger they faced…

Gather round, children.  Gather round.  Bossy is going to share with you an important life lesson and it is all about never believing the internet.

It was December 31, 1999.  I was dressed in something festive, likely made of velveteen, and headed to a friend’s house to ring in the New Year.  Accompanying me was 3 girlfriends, 1 stray dude and my attractive boyfriend who would one day become your Dad but do not fixate on that detail because you need to learn about robots and zombies.  Please pay attention.

Now up until this point, all of 1999 had been spent warning the general public that we were all going to die at the hands of the menacing force known as Y2K.  I’m not entirely sure what that acronym stood for.  Some believed it was short form for “2000”.  I think it was “You Two, Killed” (the “Two” in the acronym being code for “everyone”).  Regardless of its title, all scientists, military officials, government personnel and my Mom took to the internet and warned us that when computer clocks turn to 2000, a request that was out of a computer’s ability, the following would result:

  • The malfunctioning computers would go into default setting which would signal the zombies (who work in collusion) while every human is fixated on the smoking bank machine / laptop / VCR. The computers would let the zombies know the time was ripe for the brain munching.
  • The robots (who were the third component of this crime trifecta) would then impersonate police officers and usher all unsuspecting human organics into a warehouse “for their safety”.
  • When at capacity, the zombies would fall from the ceiling and eat faces.

This was my takeaway as I boarded a city bus to chauffeur myself and my people 2 hours away to a house party.  While out in the general public and at the mercy of the computers/robots/zombies, this is what took place:

  • We rode a bus.
  • We bus drank.
  • We may have pocketed some free envelopes.

By the time we arrived at said house party, it was already near midnight.  We drank as quickly and as heavily as possible to numb the impending pain of midnight.  But when midnight struck, this is what happened:

  • I kissed your Dad and took a picture fully expecting that I would be capturing the world melt away in the background while a zombie descended from above.

But no – nothing happened.  The computers laughed a quiet guffaw and marked 2001-01-01 on their dials.

So in conclusion, my dear children, a VCR was a recording and playing device that allowed you to record Melrose Place but also play Short Circuit, but only in that order.

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