(Edited From The Archives) Bossy’s 10 Illogical Holiday Traditions For All

Without these traditions, would their even be a Christmas?

1.Riding around the neighborhood pinpointing all the faults of other people’s decorating choices. It feels unkind and against the spirit of the season but really, someone gots’to point out that decorating half a tree with a partially dead set of lights is not festive – it’s half assing – and who better than my minivan full of weasels than to speak that truth?

2.Decorating the top of the tree..whatever. To me, nothing is more festive than letting the kids find some random house and call it out “star”. A few years back, it was a stuffed shark.  Hat added for flare.

3.Not permitting anyone to shower on the 25th. I’m not religious but I’m sure this is one of the testaments. Nothing says family like ignoring all pleasantries in the personal hygiene department.  If you’re showering, you’re losing focus on what’s important – being together.  Unless you’re showering together.  In which case, check out this blog (there is no link here…stop trying perv).

4.Publicly shaming anyone who eats vegetables between Christmas and New Years. It must fall under one of the following waist busting categories or really, you’re a failure: solid or liquid carb; processed sugar of varying colours; seasonal alcohol you would never drink in the summer; toffee.

5.Getting as sick as humanly possible when you’ve been a walking wall of immunity until the 24th. I wouldn’t categorize this under a desired tradition except it all happens on a pre-determined schedule.  Without fail, my immunity takes a 5 between Christmas and New Years.  Last year, I had bronchitis that I tried to pass off as furnace allergies.  I spent Christmas morning bent over myself coughing into an oven mitt.

6.Forcing family pets to open their own gifts.  Before he passed at the beginning of this year, Milhouse was 17 years-old.  In cat years, and without a calculator handy, I’m pretty sure that was 112.  If we don’t place him in front of a food dish and maneuver his jaw for him, he was headed towards starvation.  Asking that he chew and claw through premium Costco 6 ply paper to get to a vacuum sealed, scent free bag of cat treats BEFORE the Christmas movie is permitted to play is possibly, just possibly, unfair.

7.Arguing about the validity of Home Alone being a true Christmas movie. Just because it is set at Christmas and just because it was directed by John Hughes does not unequivocally categorize it as a Christmas movie.    Debate over.  Pause.  Milhouse hasn’t actually opened his present.  I only saw the second ply.

8.Waking up 6 hours earlier than the kids when you told them the earliest they could get up was 7am. This is my husband’s fault.  He has aged only in outer shell.

9.Having a late-night, debate about whether or not to continue allowing the middle kid to categorize the gifts via recipient. He is all about the organizing, the rules, and the comparing.

10.Refusing to open your own gifts because you simply can’t imagine missing a minute of witnessing your kid’s excitement. One day they will be assholes.  My friends have all warned me.  For now, a successfully wrapped toboggan elicits a pretty magical response and I ain’t going to miss it. 

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