This week Quitter contemplates whether she has necrosis of the foot and if “too lazy,” is acceptable reason not accept super powers.I’m pretty sure it’s happening. I’m either going to lose my foot to tissue damage from a festering spider bite or I’m destined to become the next Spiderman/Spider gender fluid hero in the Marvel Universe. (No wait is Spiderman DC? Shit. I should know this. I live in a house full of super hero nerds. Come on brain think. Oh no maybe the foot necrosis is travelling?)
Perhaps I need to back up bit. If I’ve learned anything from the multitude of repetitive, shit-ass super hero movies I’ve been forced to watch in my lifetime, it’s that every hero needs a backstory. (Be prepared to be dazzled, mine includes doing laundry.)
It all started on a Friday night. Quitter had just ended her week of trying to save the world though social work, when she noticed her right foot hurt like a mofo. But like so many middle aged, working mothers she chose to ignore it telling herself to “walk that shit off,” while she proceeded to make dinner, do some internet banking and tackle the mountain of laundry that had been taunting her all week.
But after two hours her foot refused to be ignored any longer. What had started as a dull ache had morphed into a deep throb. Despite her better judgment she decided it was time to remove the sock.
The horror. The horror.
Quitter freely admits she is not a medical professional, but even she knew that a foot should not look the way it did. As a general rule, toes should never be turning black. So, after her initial reflex to vomit subsided, she pushed herself to look closer at the monstrosity that was once her foot to discover the source of her pain. And there it was, a giant, inflamed lump of horribleness, mocking her from beneath her pinky toe. A fuckin’ spider bite.
And so her journey began…
Cool backstory right?
But here’s the issue. I don’t want to be a super hero. Heck I don’t even want to be sub-par hero. I mean, that’s like a lot of work. Seriously, talk about long hours with low pay. Wait? Do super heroes even get paid? So what now I’m supposed to have a day job and then give up my evenings and weekends to save the world? Are you shitting me? No thanks. That sounds like all kinds of exhausting. What about this work/life balance people are always pushing? How am I supposed to have a life if I have two jobs? And who’s going to walk my dog while I’m out doing super hero stuff? What about that?
And then there’s that stupid saying they’re always repeating in the super hero movies? “With great power comes great responsibility.” Really? Pressure much? Again, not thanks. I’m at a stage in my life where I want fewer responsibilities not more!
Nope. No thanks. Sorry spider, I get that you were just doing your job and it’s not personal or anything, but if you were trying to bestow me with some amazing super powers I respectfully decline.
Come on necrotic tissue damage.