Incontinence and Friendship

(This is part 1 of a 3 part series on Friendship.) Got your attention didn’t I? Well now that I’ve made you both curious and uncomfortable, read on to see what the two have in common…or, at the very least, why I would put them in the same title.Kick Ass

When Bossy suggested we tackle another post on friendship, specifically what friendship looks like for women in their forties, I believe my internal response was both, “Yarg!” and “This is going to be a snorefest.” That is until I actually gave it some serious thought and remembered how much middle-aged ladies kick ass. (And yes I am making this statement because I am a woman in my forties, but also because it’s true.)

As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I’ve come to think that being a middle-aged woman is downright magical in that we are invisible to the media, have a pretty good idea of who we are and have absolutely stopped giving a shit. And this extends to our friendships as well.


For most women in their forties life is ridonkulously busy. Between family, work, volunteer commitments, (you mistakenly made when you thought you’d try out being a  better person,) and working out so your boobs don’t drop below your waistline, there is zero time for BS.

What qualifies as BS you ask? Here’s my list that I urge you to copy, print and laminate:

  • drama of any kind
  • lying
  • being a constant “no show”
  • having annoying kids
  • having a shithead partner
  • being on your phone all the f’ing time
  • posting other people’s personal shit on social media
  • acting like you have your life together

New Friends Need Not Apply/I’m Not an Asshat I Swear

Okay, this one may just be me, but I am done recruiting. Breaking new people in is just too much work – all the small talk and not farting in front of them is enough to make me explode. It’s like dating without the promise of sex. And sometimes it takes people a really long time to realize I’m not a complete asshat. I just don’t have that kind of time any more. (Of course there have been a few outliers who have snuck their way into my circle just by virtue of their awesomeness, but in general I find it useful not to make eye contact with any new humans just in case.)

Raw and Real

So this is where the incontinence comes in…well kind of. It’s actually more of an example of what we end up discussing when we congregate. Other topics may include:

  • weird smells
  • constant gas
  • vaginal dryness
  • faking our own deaths to escape our partners and children
  • thinking of a certain former television star during intimate times

You see where I’m going here. The point is that real friendship allows you to share the stuff that is both embarrassing and confusing. Only history and a complete lack of self-consciousness allows for this “no-holds-barred,” level of engagement.


DO NOT. I repeat. DO NOT mess with one of our friends. If someone has maintained friendship status into middle age, they must be pretty damn special and we will protect that person with the ferocity of a honey badger on mushrooms. (I’m not sure what this would look like exactly, but I imagine it would be hella cool.) But for serious, you mess with one of our people and we will come for you. It may take us a while and we may have to leave early because we’ve over-committed ourselves and a lot of us tend to get very sleepy and like to be in bed by 10pm…but otherwise WATCH OUT.

Friends Forever, Dudes Whatever

I’ve always been a friends first kinda gal, but we all get a little stupid in our twenties and focus on chasing the noodle (or the taco or whatever your preference may be.) Thankfully as women age most of us wake the hell up and realize that that asinine “You complete me,” speech from Jerry Maguire is utter and complete bullshit, understand that no one person can be your everything and maintain friendships to keep us sane.

Next week: Bossy and I argue about the proper number of friends any one person should have, in reality and virtually, and why.

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2 thoughts on “Incontinence and Friendship

  1. So when I get an FB friend request from someone who was a complete asshat to me in school (not you), is it socially acceptable of me to just trash their request ?
    Or does etiquette dictate that I send them a message telling them how I wish they would expire in some fiery crashy sort of way – and then delete their friend request ???


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