To Recover

Both Quitter and I had pretty weird, crazy and unexpected weeks.  What struck me about mine was when life threw me blows, I really struggled to recover.

I’m a very positive person.  Even when life is pissing me off, I bounce back quickly.  I rarely hold a grudge and I hate wallowing so if I find myself in it that state, I’m quick to call out my own bullshit and move on.

It started out with one event that is still rippling into my emotions now: thinking I was going to miss a flight for work.

I take the responsibilities of my job very seriously and the idea of having to call my boss and declare I was going to miss my flight left me physically shaking wtih anxiety.  Without going into the nuances of a questionable cab operator and a cab driver who accidentally got lost, I did manage to get there on time, but just as my flight was boarding.

It rippled from there.  I struggled with focus and bumbled a meeting and even when it still turned around positively, I couldn’t enjoy it.  I moved onto yet another positive meeting and while I put on a happy face, and was genuinely happy, I felt weighted down by the negativity of the day’s start.

It proceeded into the next day as I couldn’t enjoy my daughter’s birthday and barely wanted to talk to my family.  I feel horrible for saying this but was grateful when it was over and to be alone.

My inability to recover from the negativity has stunned me.  I got lucky; I should move on.  Yet somehow, my brain is struggling to come to terms with the part I played.  Did I get up early enough?  Should I have booked a car in advance?  Did I prepare enough for my meetings?  Did I put enough time and love into my daughter’s birthday party?  Yes, none of it life shattering and again, it worked out, but still, here I am: stuck and unable to recover.

I have no choice now but to be patient and wait for the permission my brain apparently needs to move on.

Photo by Molly Belle on Unsplash

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