Quitter Goes Back To The Future

This week Quitter celebrates her birthday by going all Marty McFly a la Back to the Future. Spoiler alert…it involves mice nipples, Van Halen and hummus.

Shit. It’s happened. That thing that the movies always warn us not to do, but if any of us ever had a chance we’d sure as shit do it.

Come on. You know what I’m talking about.

Yup. I’ve done Marty McFly’d myself and run into my future self. And it went a little something like this…


PRESENT QUITTER: (confused and alarmed) What the?

FUTURE QUITTER:(smiling broadly) I know right?  I’m you, but I’m me.  Like we’re both us, but not.  Pretty cool, right?

PRESENT QUITTER: (resigned) Ahhh crap.  If my future self is here I probably screwed things up pretty badly and now you’re trying to fix it.  Which I guess isn’t really that much of a surprise.

FUTURE QUITTER: (laughing slightly) Spoiler alert.  You don’t totally screw things up.  But…

PRESENT QUITTER (annoyed) Didd you really just say “spoiler alert?” That’s still a thing?

FUTURE QUITTER: (laughing) Not really. I’m just trying to talk your lingo. You know, retro-speak. In the future we mainly communicate by throwing our poop at each other.

PRESENT QUITTER: (more annoyed) Wow, who knew my future self would be such a smart ass? Okay, probably everyone who currently knows me, but can we just get on with whatever it is you have to tell me? I have cheese waiting for me that won’t eat itself.

Future Quitter reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small square of what looks like cheese in plastic wrap. She methodically removes the wrap from the square of cheese then begins to eat the cheese very slowly. One nibble at a time.

PRESENT QUITTER:(even more annoyed) Still waiting.

Future Quitter continues to eat slowly.


FUTURE QUITTER: Mmmm…you can really taste the mouse.

PRESENT QUITTER: (wide eyed) Did you just say “mouse.”

FUTURE QUITTER: (smiling calmly) Yes. All future cheese will be made from mouse milk. Cows, goats and sheep suddenly go extinct about twenty years from now, but mice are prolific. Thank goodness that six-year-old was able to come up with a humane way to milk mice without harming their tiny nipples. So now all cheese comes from mice. It’s rather delicious.

PRESENT QUITTER:(talking to herself) Oh shit, I know what’s going on here. I must have mistakenly eaten one of my cousin’s magic cupcakes again. This is just like the hummus/Van Halen incident.

FUTURE QUITTER: (laughing) Oh ya, that was all kinds of funny. I forgot about that. But nope, not this time.

PRESENT QUITTER: So…ummm…I don’t want to like rush you, but is there a specific reason you’re here?

FUTURE QUITTER: Still so impatient. Ever notice how busy and rushed we seem most of the time at this point in our life? Like there’s never enough time to get everything done? Well, I’m not sure if you’re going to like this, but this is all your own doing. You choose to be too busy. And the people who you say you care about most notice that you’re always busy. Too busy for them a lot of the time.

PRESENT QUITTER:(sarcastically) Thanks for that. I’ll take it under advisement.

FUTURE QUITTER:Good. I hope you do. And also maybe don’t do so many things you don’t want to do any more.

PRESENT QUITTER:(confused) What the hell does that mean?

FUTURE QUITTER: (smiling) I think we know exactly what I’m talking about here, but I’ll be happy to spell it out for you. You’re an empath and a people pleaser. Which means you’ll do almost anything to spare other people pain and make them happy. KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF. NOW. You’re preventing them from learning their life lessons and fucking up the time line. Not to mention it’s stressing us out. So just stop it. Okay?

PRESENT QUITTER:(stunned) Okay.

FUTURE QUITTER: (nonchalantly) How’s that book you’re writing going by the way?

PRESENT QUITTER: Book? What? What book?

FUTURE QUITTER:(searching her pockets while talking) The one about the cat with six toes that saves the Universe.

PRESENT QUITTER: What? I can’t believe I write a book about a cat?

FUTURE QUITTER: (still searching pockets) You do. And it’s terrible. But it sells really well for some reason. It’s truly awful though, so please don’t write it.

PRESENT QUITTER: So let me get this straight, I write a successful book about some world saving cat, but you’re telling me not to. Why?

Future Quitter smiles broadly as she pulls another small square from her breast pocket.

FUTURE QUITTER: Because it’s garbage and you can do better.

PRESENT QUITTER: I think you should know that I’ve decided I don’t like you very much.

FUTURE QUITTER: Duly noted. Oh and you should probably cut back on the cheese. Like 30%.

PRESENT QUITTER: Says the woman eating cheese. I think you’re actually here to show me what a jerk I become. Good note. Lesson learned.

FUTURE QUITTER: It’s mouse cheese. It’s cool. Oh and also you should definitely sink money into anything Snoop Dogg is doing. That guy’s a total genius.

PRESENT QUITTER:Now you’re just messing with me. You’re a jerk.

FUTURE QUITTER:(smiling) Am I?

PRESENT QUITTER: Don’t you have to go now?

FUTURE QUITTER: Not just yet. I think I’ll wander over to Bossy’s place and mess with her a bit. Hey do you have any coffee? That doesn’t exist any more in the future.

PRESENT QUITTER: No! Tell me you’re f’ing with me.

FUTURE QUITTER: (smiling) Maybe.


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