Weird Shit Quitter’s Husband Bought

Husbands are magical creatures aren’t they? Like bearded gnomes with credit cards and cell phones. Well at least mine is…

My husband and I are very different people. I hate stuff and he loves it. The more I purge crap, the more he buys. It’s never been a deal breaker for us, but it has lead to some pretty interesting conversations. For self-preservation I’ve decided to convince myself that this is just one of the many ways he’s chooses to keep the mystery alive in our marriage after being together for so long.

Yes, “mystery,” that’s what I’ll call it.

So without further ado, I give you a list of just some of the weird shit my husband has bought in the last 12 months:

A DRONE – It literally attacked him the first time he took it out of the box. It actually drew blood and he has a scar. Since “the drone incident,” (his words not mine,) he’s only used it twice and never without a spotter

A CHAINSAW – My husband works in finance and wears sweater vests. The chainsaw is still in the box.

A MINI GUITAR – So it’s a guitar, but smaller and sounds nowhere near as good as a regular sized guitar. At this point you may be wondering “Is Quitter’s husband a very small man?” The answer is “no.” But if you keep reading this will all either make sense or be more confusing.

AN ELECTRIC GUITAR – “Oh, so Quitter’s husband is a musician.” Again the answer is “no.” I re-iterate, he works in finance and wears sweater vests.

AN AMPLIFIER FOR SAID ELECTRIC GUITAR – Apparently electric guitars are only good if you can hear them. Let’s just say he and I have agreed to disagree on this one.

A SECOND AMPLIFIER FOR SAID ELECTRIC GUITAR – The first one was “crap.” This new one can do way cooler stuff.  Sure it can.

A GUITAR TO KEEP IN ENGLAND – “Now I get it, Quitter’s husband has a complicated disorder that involves him buying musical instruments in his sleep and sending them abroad.”  If only it were that simple.

A WEIRD ASS ROWING MACHINE – I suspect this purchase was made to mess with my equilibrium after all the guitar related purchases. It worked. I was too confused to be angry. This thing looks like high art, was ridiculously expensive and has been used four times. I like to hang my laundry on it.

A VIRTUAL REALITY GAMING SYSTEM – Have you ever fantasized about coming home after a long day of work to find Tron waiting for you in the basement? Of course you haven’t. That would be messed up. And yet, that is pretty much what I came home to a few months ago, my 54-year-old husband wearing a gigantic visor over his eyes, comically large headphones, with bulbous, neon wands in his hands.

Words failed me on that day. (Okay. They didn’t. There was swearing. Lots and lots of swearing.)

And the list goes on and on…

Sure I could be mad or have him committed, but most of the time I’m just grateful he doesn’t gamble, use crystal meth or watch weird donkey porn.

Life is weird. People are weird. Really? If this is the worst he gets up to I’m fine. And if he ever crosses the line I’ll just get his drone to attack him again.

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6 thoughts on “Weird Shit Quitter’s Husband Bought

  1. The chainsaw is a good investment as it is a multi-purpose tool. Not only can it be used for cutting wood, it can also be used for slicing cheese, specifically raclette cheese.

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  2. Being a CPA myself, I can attest that sweater vests are making a comeback. It will be a “thing” soon and everyone will be sporting one regardless of their career path/aspirations.
    AND you are going to need those amps/guitars for when I get this rift completed for you. I am just waiting for Slash to return my countless messages and give me his opinion on it before you release it to the world.
    For some reason he chooses to ignore me. Maybe his phone died and he can’t retrieve my messages ? or maybe he simply died ?

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    1. I believe my husband would be open to starting a sweater vest club if you are interested. You might be short on members as you are the only two people I know who actually wear them. And I await you riff with baited breath. Slash be damned, have you thought about getting Barry Manilow’s feedback?

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