…when Bossy is in a coma and needs you to be her esthetician.
I know that by virtue of your nickname you have a tendency to not see things through but I have an important request to make of you and I’ll need you to perform a blood oath ensuring you will commit.
If and when I one day unexpectedly enter a coma, I don’t not want to be your run of the mill coma patient. I want to be the sexiest coma patient on the ward. I want to look better comatose than I do fully functional.
I am in the process of lining up the appropriate people to make this demand a reality but I have assigned you the most important job of all – tweezer duty. Please visit the following places on my face:
- Unibrow, Upper Lip, Chiny-Chin-Chin: These are your standard locations. My hard of sight grandmother would know to look here. I mention this as a courtesy but truly it is a no-brainer.
- Moley: This is a hair that breeds off my chin mole and then explodes out of it. It arrives approximately every 3 months. If you pull with the right force, it will pull my mole off too. Don’t panic. Both fuckers will come back.
- Cheek Surprise: This one is located two paces past my left cheek mole, headed towards my ear. It too has a 3 month cycle. You likely will have to squeeze it out like a pimple cuz it likes to grow backwards. It may be the stupidest hair ever.
- Jugular: I can’t even talk about this one it makes me so mad. Why? Why in the middle of my neck?!? But speaking of neck…
- Invisible Neck Intruder: This one will be your biggest challenge. Rest up and eat well before the battle. It will begin by growing out invisibly, but I swear to God, it’s there. You will have to feel up my neck to find it. Please refrain from gagging. If you are unsuccessful in your mission, you will eventually see it (after that wonderful 3 month window) as it magically turns white and is about the length of a matchstick – and just as straight.
At our next social gathering, I will have a sharp knife and quill tipped pen ready to bind you to this agreement. As is our standard legal practice, my cat, Milhouse, will notarize it.
Thank you for your friendship and supporting my desire for a super-hot coma stint.