Without these traditions, would their be a Christmas?
1.Riding around the neighborhood pinpointing all the faults of other people’s decorating style. It feels unkind and against the spirit of the season but really, someone out there has to truly notice that half a tree trunk “decorate” with a half dead set of lights is not festive – it’s half assing – and who better than my minivan full of weasels than to speak that truth.
2.Decorating the top of the tree with a random item from the house. This one is mine. The kids have been brainwashed into thinking the only symbol permitted on the top of a tree should be a star. Apparently there is a star industry to blame for this. To me, nothing is more festive than a shark. Hat added for flare.
3.Not permitting anyone to shower on the 25th. I’m not religious but I’m sure this is one of the testaments. Regardless, nothing says family like ignoring all pleasantries in the personal hygiene department. If you’re showering, you’re losing focus on what’s important – being together. Unless you’re showering together. In which case, check out this blog (there is no link here…stop trying perv).
4.Publicly shaming anyone who eats vegetables between Christmas and New Years. It must fall under one of the following waist busting categories or really, you’re a failure: solid or liquid carb; processed sugar of varying colours; seasonal alcohol you would never drink in the summer; toffee.
5.Getting as sick as humanly possible when you’ve been a walking wall of immunity until the 24th. I wouldn’t categorize this under a tradition except that isn’t that what a tradition is? When it happens on a pre-determined schedule? Without fail, my immunity takes a 5 between Christmas and New Years. Last year, I had bronchitis that I tried to pass off as furnace allergies. I spent Christmas morning bent over myself coughing into an oven mitt.
6.Forcing your cat to open his own gift and refusing that the holidays continue until he does. Milhouse is a 17 years-old. In cat years, and without a calculator handy, I’m pretty sure that is 112. If we don’t place him in front of a food dish and maneuver his jaw for him, I’m pretty sure he would die of hunger. Asking that he chew and claw through premium Costco 6 ply paper to get to a vacuum sealed, scent free bag of last year’s cat treats BEFORE the Christmas movie is permitted to play is possibly, just possibly, unfair.
7.Arguing about the validity of Home Alone being a true Christmas movie. Just because it is set at Christmas and just because it was directed by John Hughes does not unequivocally categorize it as a Christmas movie. Debate over. Pause. Milhouse hasn’t actually opened his present. I only saw the second ply.
8.Waking up 6 hours earlier than the kids when you told them the earliest they could get up was 7am. This is my husband’s fault. He has aged only in outer shell.
9.Having a late-night, debate about whether or not to continue allowing the middle kid to categorize the gifts via recipient. Then giver. Then paper colouring. Then size. Then shape. Then weight. Then general vibe he gets off of them.
10.Refusing to open your own gifts because you simply can’t imagine missing a minute of any of the opening. One day they will be assholes. My friends have all warned me. For now, a successfully wrapped toboggan elicits a pretty magical response and I ain’t going to miss it.