Quitter gets bossy…
So it has been brought to my attention by both Bossy and my partner that I am a little weird in the “friendship department,” as in I have a lot of things that will automatically “X” people off my friend list, (like I think people are jerks and a whole bunch of other stuff I stopped listening to about sixty-three seconds into their well- meaning, but boring intervention.) But then I got to thinking that a list might be a handy-dandy little tool for me to provide all future Quitter friendship seekers.
So without further ado and in no particular order…
1. You need good snacks. I like munching, especially things in chip form and of the gummy variety. If you have somehow managed to lure me out my house to visit, you have a window of approximately thirty minutes to offer me these snacks when I come over. Otherwise I’m leaving.
2. You must exhibit zero “judginess,” about me always being late for stuff. I used to blame my lateness on my kids. But it’s me. It has always been me.
3. You have to have no desire to ever talk to me on the phone. Ever. I f’ing hate the phone. All communication must come via text, email or carrier pigeon.
4. You need to display an appreciation for the ridiculous amount of love I have for my dog. You don’t have to be a dog lover yourself, you just have to put up with me talking about my dog, showing you pictures of my dog and pretending that you too think that she is the cutest creature in the world. (If you can’t do this then you need to be able pretend real good like Bossy)
5. You better be funny. If you’re not funny, we’re not friends. End. Of. Story. Sorry to any unfunny person I never spoke to again.
6. You need to shut your pie hole sometimes. Friendship with me can sometimes involve long, awkward silences. Don’t worry, I’m not plotting your demise during this quiet time, I’m processing. But you need to get “shushy,” for a bit so the hamster on the wheel in my brain can catch its breath.
7. All planned events between us must begin no earlier then 10am and end by no later then 10pm EST. I’m not a night person. I am also not a morning person. In reality my sweet spot is somewhere between 10am and 2pm. That’s it. Four hours. Take it or leave it.
8. You have to know at least one Neil Diamond song. The man is a musical treasure, a storyteller, a showman and a prince among men. I’ve gone to see him in concert twice and plan on seeing him again. I adore him. And when I first meet people I often ask which Neil Diamond song they like as a litmus test to see if I should keep talking to them. Bossy picked “Sweet Caroline,“ kinda predictable, but acceptable. (I once based an entire relationship with someone based on them knowing all the words to “Forever in Blue Jeans.” It lasted a full eight days. No regrets.)
9. I insist that you strongly dislike Scott Baio. Before all of the allegations of impropriety with young co-stars and him spouting his super, conservative rightwing political bullshit, I loathed him. My gut knew something was up and now I know why. If you’re pro Baio, then it’s no mayo…wait…that makes no sense. You just can’t like that weasel and be my friend.
10. You must get down and you have to get down and we always get down. Believe it or not this chubby, little unicorn likes to dance, like really enjoys getting her groove on. So if you plan on hanging with me then you best be ready to get funky with it. Seriously, doing that “casting a line,” dance move only works if there is a fish to cast the line to.
There you have it. And now that this list is out in cyberspace if we meet and you would like any kind of relationship with me, I will expect that you will have studied this list at length and understand the rules of engagement. It’s now 2:25pm, I’ve past my peak time. I must nap immediately. Of course is you’ve read this list you’d know that.