Bossy’s Friendship Rules

Bossy does Bossy and bosses her friendship parameters…

I think I’m relatively easy to get along with but man I have high expectations of who makes the friendship cut. Pen and paper out people…you’re going to want to take notes and get your membership forms ready. The group may not be exclusive, but it sure is fussy. And do note: this set of rules is set 1 of 2089.

1. Absolutely No Phone Calls – I have always despised the phone. The only time this dislike did not apply was during my teens and early dating years. Digital messaging (in any form) was made for me. I want it quick, sweet, and leading to when we will see each other next to speak in person. If our relationship is based on you wanting to speak to me on the phone, it will die. For really real die.

2. You Can’t Suggest We Watch Scary Movies – The last scary movie I watched was in the early 2000. It was Resident Evil. I exaggerate not even a little – I had nightmares for nights on end. I will cut off anyone who suggests I need this genre in my life.

3. You Must Be Down To Karaoke – I don’t care what your jam is, I just need to know you can belt one out when placed in that position. It doesn’t even have to be good, you just gotta do it.

4. You Must Lower Your Expectations. Nope. Even Lower – I take on WAY too much in my life between family and work and volunteering and my friendships tend to get the shaft. I am always thinking of you. I am always trying to fit you in. If you make me feel the guilt for my shit time management skill, I will have to delete you.

5. You Must Avoid Making Big Suggestions You Will Never Follow Through On – Pet peeve: Friends who make grand statements on things we’ll do, things they’ll organize, events you’ll invite me too, etc., that we both know will NEVER HAPPEN. I do not discredit someone their busy lives. I would just rather people part my company with “See you in 6 to 9 decades” then offer up all these great and fun sounding plans that won’t come together. I disappoint easy. I believe that to be the lesson. In my mind, all words are a contract…so if you’re suggesting you’re organizing a wine picnic, you damn well better deliver or see the above suggested “decade declaration departure”.

6. You Must Understand I’m A Shitty Housekeeper – I hate it about myself but I have been improperly taught. I also don’t like people up in my stuff so housecleaners are not an option. Basically, please come visit anytime but be prepared to stand, sit or slide through something sticky.

7. I Take That Back. Only Visit With A 6 to 8 Day Pre-Warning You’re Coming – When my mother-in-law tells me about so-and-so “popping in”, I actually have heart palpitations. You can come stand in my stickiness (ahem…as you were) if invited (again…out of the gutter) but no drop-ins allowed.

8. You Must Be Prepared To Lend Me Sh*t As I Will Lend You Sh*t – I hate buying things that I think a community should share. Like a staple gun. Why the heck do we all need to own a staple gun?!? I think lending libraries are the smartest thing every invented but I’m too lazy to locate one and/or scared to figure out how it works. So I will borrow your staple gun and you can borrow my pitch fork and both will be returned in original condition and the exchange will mark our solid friendship.

9. Sometimes I Am Brave. Sometimes I Am A Coward. You Need To Ride The Wave – I am getting better at trying new things and living new experiences but in other times, I can’t stand the idea of something new (see above under “Lending Library”). You need to humor me when I ask you endless questions about something new you did that I too would like to try. I’m building courage.

10. You Better Be Funny – Like Quitter, I only trust the funny. If you have no sense of humor, I don’t understand you. Like a riddle – you are literally a riddle. But I don’t want to solve you. I just want you to sit elsewhere.

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2 thoughts on “Bossy’s Friendship Rules

  1. Damn it! There goes the gift certificate for Molly Maid I was going to get you for your birthday…oh well, you can give me another idea when I stop by in 3….2….1…..


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